Okay so I found something else amusing. Look bitch, you are a senator... buy some fucking clothes. Of course this outfit is playfully known as "Ol' Crusty"
Monday, June 26, 2006
2008?????????
Okay so I found something else amusing. Look bitch, you are a senator... buy some fucking clothes. Of course this outfit is playfully known as "Ol' Crusty"
Eminaint
I was having sort of a shitty day until low and behold I saw a couple of white douchebags very similar to these pussies over there on the left. A good hearty laugh was had by me. Then I wondered "Where the hell do loser bastards like these come from?" After a bit of research, I have the answer. Clearly Exibit B on the right is the inspiration for the assholes over in Exibit A.Conclusion: Sometimes society is better off when parents eat their young.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Oooooooooon State Street
Well the "Where Lisa?" section never really got off the ground since she surprised us all with an all too brief, but fun nonetheless visit. I actually had some amusing ideas for the Where's Lisa Watch, oh well. We have pushed her back into the blogger world http://www.simplisticallycomplicated.blogspot.com check it out....
The picture shows the city where our beloved Lisa resides - for the geographically challanged, this is Chicago (pronounced shi - CAW - go) (pronounced locally shi - KAE - gow) There is a noticable difference in the correct pronunciation and the local pronunciation of Chicago. The further north in Chicago you go, the more pronounced the Wiscansinite accent bleeds into what should otherwise be clean, accent-free, Mid-Western speech.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
STOP IT!!
Sing it with me.... "If you see a little sign on the side of the road that says sixteen miles to the LOOOOOOOOOOOVE SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clearly this outs me as to being at karaoke last night, which of course meant I got to hear yet another quartet of college girls sing this karaoke cliche/abomination of a song. Every fucking time I go to karaoke, without fail, I will be tortured by some group of stupid bitches that feel they must be cutting edge and proceed to massacre this song.
There in lies the problem, the hundred or so times I have heard Love Shack "performed" it ends up absolutely brutal. It's not that goddamned difficult.
Well the little secret of my loathing for this song was discovered last night so hooray not only was it "sang" it was dedicated to me.
This song and me is like Simpson's character Sideshow Bob and garden rakes. All I can say is Yeeeeerrrrggghhh.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Swaite Taye
From a previous post you can surmise that I am former (thank god for that) waiter. With that it mind, you will see me venting about the frustrations that went along with the profession. Today's topic is one most current and former servers can empathize with and agree upon....
Nothing, and I mean nothing will make a server shudder more than when they walk up to a newly seated table, and the first thing they hear is "Do ya'll got swaite taye?". Admit it, the first two words that popped in to your head was "Awe" and "Fuck". This consternation from the server's mind is especially pronounced if they are working at a restaurant north of the Mason-Dixon Line. When you hear this, it means you are waiting on conservative, bible-thumping, closed-minded, demanding, (and most importantly to a server's pocket....cheat, tourist assholes from the south.
Dont get me wrong, they are generally polite, but that's what will piss you off the most. They unknowingly talk down to you as if this were 1820 and you are their slave. Every little special request is repeated at least twice and opened with "Now make sure..." and closed with "Because ya'll never get it right", all the while flashing that shitty condescending smile.
These bastards are gonna proceed to run your ass off. "Cayan we hayave extruh napkeeyens?" "More swaite tay plaize" "Do ya'll got hot sauce" "May we hayave more beeyuscuits (or whatever "brayad" you serve)?". And no, this is not spread out over the course of the meal, this is back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as your other tables get more neglected and pissy. And no, you can not ask "Is anything else I can bring?" because they will get offended that you and say you dont want to serve them (Well.....yeah) or more often than not, they have no sense of efficiency themselves so it is beyond their comprehension that others are trying to be efficient for them.
Finally, the end of the meal comes and they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy and "You were the bestest waiter/waitress we have ever had". That right there is ranked number 2 on the Top 10 Tip Killing Comment List for Servers (bested only by "We're good tippers".
Ok, so they have proclaimed you as the greatest thing since sliced bread, they are gonna request your section next time they come in (I can't fucking wait), they exchange pleasantries with you as they leave.
Now here is the advanced algebra/geometry question of the day.....................
If there were 4 southerners at the table, they loved you, and their bill was $60.00, how many value meals at McDonalds will the tip on this table be able to buy after your shift?
Answer coming tommorrow.......feel free to post your guesses in the comment section..........
Nothing, and I mean nothing will make a server shudder more than when they walk up to a newly seated table, and the first thing they hear is "Do ya'll got swaite taye?". Admit it, the first two words that popped in to your head was "Awe" and "Fuck". This consternation from the server's mind is especially pronounced if they are working at a restaurant north of the Mason-Dixon Line. When you hear this, it means you are waiting on conservative, bible-thumping, closed-minded, demanding, (and most importantly to a server's pocket....cheat, tourist assholes from the south.
Dont get me wrong, they are generally polite, but that's what will piss you off the most. They unknowingly talk down to you as if this were 1820 and you are their slave. Every little special request is repeated at least twice and opened with "Now make sure..." and closed with "Because ya'll never get it right", all the while flashing that shitty condescending smile.
These bastards are gonna proceed to run your ass off. "Cayan we hayave extruh napkeeyens?" "More swaite tay plaize" "Do ya'll got hot sauce" "May we hayave more beeyuscuits (or whatever "brayad" you serve)?". And no, this is not spread out over the course of the meal, this is back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as your other tables get more neglected and pissy. And no, you can not ask "Is anything else I can bring?" because they will get offended that you and say you dont want to serve them (Well.....yeah) or more often than not, they have no sense of efficiency themselves so it is beyond their comprehension that others are trying to be efficient for them.
Finally, the end of the meal comes and they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy and "You were the bestest waiter/waitress we have ever had". That right there is ranked number 2 on the Top 10 Tip Killing Comment List for Servers (bested only by "We're good tippers".
Ok, so they have proclaimed you as the greatest thing since sliced bread, they are gonna request your section next time they come in (I can't fucking wait), they exchange pleasantries with you as they leave.
Now here is the advanced algebra/geometry question of the day.....................
If there were 4 southerners at the table, they loved you, and their bill was $60.00, how many value meals at McDonalds will the tip on this table be able to buy after your shift?
Answer coming tommorrow.......feel free to post your guesses in the comment section..........
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Ebola S'il Vous Plait
I am still pretty exhausted after my ketchup rant from yesterday so I'll attempt to keep this "K-Money brief". I will let you in on a little secret of mine. I really do read books...I know, I know - fucking shocking. In fact I finally finished a book I bought roughly 8 years ago. Look, I have a very limited array of subject matter that can hold my interest for 200-300 pages. The main one being books dealing with Viral Hemmhoragic Fevers, specifically you may know them as Lassa, Marburg, and Ebola. Say it with me, Lassa and Marburg and Ebola OH MY!!
I am genuinely fascinated by diseases with a mortality rate of 90% (not exclusively for this reason but it piques my curiosity nonetheless). I can be a cruel, heartless bastard at times so that is why when you hear about some Ebola outbreak over in Bongo Dongo, Africa I stand at attention craving the latest updates of the "horror". I am all about the depopulation of this crowded planet and few things are as efficient at this goal than Ebola. Plus you gotta love a disease that is so lethal, so virulent, so quick, and so very untreatable.
Of course the gory symptoms of Ebola take the cake. Imagine, if you will, severe dehydration, delirium, sunken eyeballs, vomiting blood over and over, and when the end comes bleeding out of every orifice including your eyes, ears, nose, and asshole (thus the hemmhoragic part of the virus). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not too keen on having this destructive little virus anywhere near my friends, family, or myself, but do you really believe Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama are really necessary anymore? The fewer red states the better. Or better yet, maybe just isolating Ebola to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.
Just a thought.
I am genuinely fascinated by diseases with a mortality rate of 90% (not exclusively for this reason but it piques my curiosity nonetheless). I can be a cruel, heartless bastard at times so that is why when you hear about some Ebola outbreak over in Bongo Dongo, Africa I stand at attention craving the latest updates of the "horror". I am all about the depopulation of this crowded planet and few things are as efficient at this goal than Ebola. Plus you gotta love a disease that is so lethal, so virulent, so quick, and so very untreatable.
Of course the gory symptoms of Ebola take the cake. Imagine, if you will, severe dehydration, delirium, sunken eyeballs, vomiting blood over and over, and when the end comes bleeding out of every orifice including your eyes, ears, nose, and asshole (thus the hemmhoragic part of the virus). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not too keen on having this destructive little virus anywhere near my friends, family, or myself, but do you really believe Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama are really necessary anymore? The fewer red states the better. Or better yet, maybe just isolating Ebola to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.
Just a thought.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The Horrors of Heinz
Let's get right the point shall we? I fucking hate ketchup!!! Look, we are all adults here and ketchup is just one of those rights of passage that you are supposed to give up as you grow older (in turn your palate becomes more sophisticated and therefore craves more complex flavor from your condiments, among other things).
I suppose I may be a tad more jaded than the rest of you on ketchup because I was in the restaurant industry for quite some time. I have seen many stomach churning things involving ketchup (and the containers that hold it) at restaurants very similar to the ones you frequent. I will share these with the class...........now.
I am sure that you have at some point seen a waiter (or waitress) "marrying" half full ketchup bottles during their down time or at the end of their shift. Okay, now have you ever seen them combining ketchup bottles that are made glass? Guess what happens to the mouths of said bottles when they get clanged together to marry that last little bit of ketchup (and they will get clanged together). Thats right, little shards of glass will (un)knowingly chip off and end up in your newly full bottle. Ever piss out little shards off undigested glass? Luckily I haven't, but it does happen, and boy what a treat that must be!!
"But my favorite restaurant uses plastic bottles". Oh, you don't say!! Sorry, you still have ketchup problems to worry about. Ever notice how the places that use plastic ketchup bottles always "look" full but don't always feel full? This is because Heinz created the handy-dandy bottles with the opaque red interior. This lovely little invention is made from a thin plastic film located inside the bottle itself and yes, can and will flake off into your ketchup. Luckily this film has not yet been deemed carcinogenic by the American Cancer Society.........yet. However ingesting the film itself is not what should worry you.
Proper storage of an open ketchup bottle is obviously in the refrigerator. That's where you put your open ketchup bottles at home right? Right???? I would say a conservative estimate of the number of restaurants that do not refrigerate their ketchup (ever, not even when they close for the night) is at least 80%. Do you know what happens when ketchup is not properly refrigerated? That's right... our little friend called botulism comes to visit. Ketchup, astonishingly enough breaks down and becomes spoiled a lot quicker than you may realize, when not stored properly. "Oh but a restaurant goes through ketchup quickly" well this thought is somewhat accurate. Restaurants do indeed go through a lot of ketchup and other condiments, but remember the waitress who was marrying the glass ketchup bottles? Yeah, they marry the plastic ones too. Yes those same plastic bottles that you cant see inside. Pouring ketchup over (in some cases) older and older unrefrigerated, opened, ketchup. As an aside I have yet to work in or see a restaurant that puts dates on opened ketchup bottles.
As ketchup ages and becomes more and more infected with bacteria, it turned darker shades of red to maroon, to brown, and eventually black (I've seen black ketchup before, not a pretty sight...actually just looking at it makes you gag). Unfortunately ketchup does not need to get to such a sorry appearance for botulism to infest it. Of course how will you see it with an opaque bottle? For review, botulism is what makes Botox work, because botulism paralyzes muscles (which is why people who have had Botox injections cant blink, wink, or frown). Muscle paralysis is an extreme condition but one that is not, is just plain being sick. Shitting and puking, puking and shitting, or better yet because your bowels are a muscle they can become paralyzed, but you still have the runs. At least with just diarrhea you only need to worry about not farting, sneezing, laughing, coughing, or making sudden movements. But if your bowel muscles are paralyzed, good luck with say, "holding it in"...........
I guess if you need to lose 10 pounds so you can squeeze your fat ass into that bridemaids dress next weekend, then by all means botulism may be for you. However see a doctor because if left untreated, botulism will paralyze not only muscles, but major organs, especially your lungs.
On a less life threatening note, you wouldn't believe how many times I have seen grown adults (let alone some dirty child) use their filthy little finger to wipe the excess ketchup off the mouth or spout of a ketchup bottle before replacing the lid, and proceed to lick their nasty little digit. Now I ask you, where the FUCK has that finger been recently??!!
Health reasons aside here is what truly turned me off to Heinz, Hunts, and the like. In a restaurant I worked at, I watched in amazement and horror as a waitress proceeded to marry ketchup bottles, and as some excess ketchup spilled over the sides of the bottle (and onto a counter-top sloppily "cleaned" with an overused rag) she happily scooped the excess ketchup off the counter, back up the sides of the ketchup bottle and back into the mouth of the bottle with her bare fucking hands!!! And if that wasn't enough I watched her lick parts of her fingers and hands to help clean them off prior to moving on to the next bottle. She proceeded to do this several times. Now as you sit in you chair quickly rocking back and forth with your hands clutched to your chest like an insane person would that has to listen to too many voices in their heads, you may be asking "Why didn't I stop her?" Quite simply, I was frozen and aghast that someone could do something so nasty, so unfathomably disgusting, and yet not realize they were doing something wrong. That right there was the sickest thing about this. She wasn't doing this to be malicious or lazy, she acted as though this were an every day thing. Shudder......
I thought I would close with a list of things I have seen people put ketchup on that seems out of the ordinary. In no particular order......
1 - scrambled eggs
2 - "dippy" eggs
3 - Corned beef hash
4 - A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich - sorry but these four just scream out WHITE TRASH TO ME (sorry Bob)
5 - Fried fish and shrimp
6 - Not just steak, but Filet Mingon!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fucking waste!
7 - Macaroni and cheese - to me this scream YOHNIE!! if you live in Lancaster, you know what I mean
8 - A cold turkey and cheese sandwich
9 - Potato chips AND Cheetos
10 - And this is probably the foulest thing I have ever seen.... I used to have a roommate (female no less) that would make Ramen noodles, dump out the water, not add the flavoring but mix the limp noodles with lots of ketchup. On multiple occasions.
So the next time you ask your waitress for some ketchup for your eggs or hamburger just remember what I have told you........your palate (not to mention your bowels) will thank you.
I suppose I may be a tad more jaded than the rest of you on ketchup because I was in the restaurant industry for quite some time. I have seen many stomach churning things involving ketchup (and the containers that hold it) at restaurants very similar to the ones you frequent. I will share these with the class...........now.
I am sure that you have at some point seen a waiter (or waitress) "marrying" half full ketchup bottles during their down time or at the end of their shift. Okay, now have you ever seen them combining ketchup bottles that are made glass? Guess what happens to the mouths of said bottles when they get clanged together to marry that last little bit of ketchup (and they will get clanged together). Thats right, little shards of glass will (un)knowingly chip off and end up in your newly full bottle. Ever piss out little shards off undigested glass? Luckily I haven't, but it does happen, and boy what a treat that must be!!
"But my favorite restaurant uses plastic bottles". Oh, you don't say!! Sorry, you still have ketchup problems to worry about. Ever notice how the places that use plastic ketchup bottles always "look" full but don't always feel full? This is because Heinz created the handy-dandy bottles with the opaque red interior. This lovely little invention is made from a thin plastic film located inside the bottle itself and yes, can and will flake off into your ketchup. Luckily this film has not yet been deemed carcinogenic by the American Cancer Society.........yet. However ingesting the film itself is not what should worry you.
Proper storage of an open ketchup bottle is obviously in the refrigerator. That's where you put your open ketchup bottles at home right? Right???? I would say a conservative estimate of the number of restaurants that do not refrigerate their ketchup (ever, not even when they close for the night) is at least 80%. Do you know what happens when ketchup is not properly refrigerated? That's right... our little friend called botulism comes to visit. Ketchup, astonishingly enough breaks down and becomes spoiled a lot quicker than you may realize, when not stored properly. "Oh but a restaurant goes through ketchup quickly" well this thought is somewhat accurate. Restaurants do indeed go through a lot of ketchup and other condiments, but remember the waitress who was marrying the glass ketchup bottles? Yeah, they marry the plastic ones too. Yes those same plastic bottles that you cant see inside. Pouring ketchup over (in some cases) older and older unrefrigerated, opened, ketchup. As an aside I have yet to work in or see a restaurant that puts dates on opened ketchup bottles.
As ketchup ages and becomes more and more infected with bacteria, it turned darker shades of red to maroon, to brown, and eventually black (I've seen black ketchup before, not a pretty sight...actually just looking at it makes you gag). Unfortunately ketchup does not need to get to such a sorry appearance for botulism to infest it. Of course how will you see it with an opaque bottle? For review, botulism is what makes Botox work, because botulism paralyzes muscles (which is why people who have had Botox injections cant blink, wink, or frown). Muscle paralysis is an extreme condition but one that is not, is just plain being sick. Shitting and puking, puking and shitting, or better yet because your bowels are a muscle they can become paralyzed, but you still have the runs. At least with just diarrhea you only need to worry about not farting, sneezing, laughing, coughing, or making sudden movements. But if your bowel muscles are paralyzed, good luck with say, "holding it in"...........
I guess if you need to lose 10 pounds so you can squeeze your fat ass into that bridemaids dress next weekend, then by all means botulism may be for you. However see a doctor because if left untreated, botulism will paralyze not only muscles, but major organs, especially your lungs.
On a less life threatening note, you wouldn't believe how many times I have seen grown adults (let alone some dirty child) use their filthy little finger to wipe the excess ketchup off the mouth or spout of a ketchup bottle before replacing the lid, and proceed to lick their nasty little digit. Now I ask you, where the FUCK has that finger been recently??!!
Health reasons aside here is what truly turned me off to Heinz, Hunts, and the like. In a restaurant I worked at, I watched in amazement and horror as a waitress proceeded to marry ketchup bottles, and as some excess ketchup spilled over the sides of the bottle (and onto a counter-top sloppily "cleaned" with an overused rag) she happily scooped the excess ketchup off the counter, back up the sides of the ketchup bottle and back into the mouth of the bottle with her bare fucking hands!!! And if that wasn't enough I watched her lick parts of her fingers and hands to help clean them off prior to moving on to the next bottle. She proceeded to do this several times. Now as you sit in you chair quickly rocking back and forth with your hands clutched to your chest like an insane person would that has to listen to too many voices in their heads, you may be asking "Why didn't I stop her?" Quite simply, I was frozen and aghast that someone could do something so nasty, so unfathomably disgusting, and yet not realize they were doing something wrong. That right there was the sickest thing about this. She wasn't doing this to be malicious or lazy, she acted as though this were an every day thing. Shudder......
I thought I would close with a list of things I have seen people put ketchup on that seems out of the ordinary. In no particular order......
1 - scrambled eggs
2 - "dippy" eggs
3 - Corned beef hash
4 - A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich - sorry but these four just scream out WHITE TRASH TO ME (sorry Bob)
5 - Fried fish and shrimp
6 - Not just steak, but Filet Mingon!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fucking waste!
7 - Macaroni and cheese - to me this scream YOHNIE!! if you live in Lancaster, you know what I mean
8 - A cold turkey and cheese sandwich
9 - Potato chips AND Cheetos
10 - And this is probably the foulest thing I have ever seen.... I used to have a roommate (female no less) that would make Ramen noodles, dump out the water, not add the flavoring but mix the limp noodles with lots of ketchup. On multiple occasions.
So the next time you ask your waitress for some ketchup for your eggs or hamburger just remember what I have told you........your palate (not to mention your bowels) will thank you.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Wilkommen
Ok so after much goading (cough Trouble and Bobulah cough) I have finally broken down and started a blog. For those of you who don't know, I am the great and magnificent Kmoney.
Blog Syllabus
In this blog we will cover the following
1 - Why Kmoney - Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How
2 - Karaoke addiction in modern society - Including periodic updates of the best and worst to be seen/heard.
3 - The Lisa Watch - This will be kind of like a Where's Waldo? but insert Lisa's name here.
4 - Pop Culture - because I strive to be cliche
5 - Anything else I deem necessary
**WARNING**
I will occassionally come off as boring - but there are times, and moods, where I will cross lines, offend, and intentionally be ig'nint. I will grow on you like a malignant tumor, when that happens you will learn that I am the new heroin - you just wont be able to get enough. You've been warned.
Kmoney has started a blog..........God help us all
Blog Syllabus
In this blog we will cover the following
1 - Why Kmoney - Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How
2 - Karaoke addiction in modern society - Including periodic updates of the best and worst to be seen/heard.
3 - The Lisa Watch - This will be kind of like a Where's Waldo? but insert Lisa's name here.
4 - Pop Culture - because I strive to be cliche
5 - Anything else I deem necessary
**WARNING**
I will occassionally come off as boring - but there are times, and moods, where I will cross lines, offend, and intentionally be ig'nint. I will grow on you like a malignant tumor, when that happens you will learn that I am the new heroin - you just wont be able to get enough. You've been warned.
Kmoney has started a blog..........God help us all
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