From a previous post you can surmise that I am former (thank god for that) waiter. With that it mind, you will see me venting about the frustrations that went along with the profession. Today's topic is one most current and former servers can empathize with and agree upon....
Nothing, and I mean nothing will make a server shudder more than when they walk up to a newly seated table, and the first thing they hear is "Do ya'll got swaite taye?". Admit it, the first two words that popped in to your head was "Awe" and "Fuck". This consternation from the server's mind is especially pronounced if they are working at a restaurant north of the Mason-Dixon Line. When you hear this, it means you are waiting on conservative, bible-thumping, closed-minded, demanding, (and most importantly to a server's pocket....cheat, tourist assholes from the south.
Dont get me wrong, they are generally polite, but that's what will piss you off the most. They unknowingly talk down to you as if this were 1820 and you are their slave. Every little special request is repeated at least twice and opened with "Now make sure..." and closed with "Because ya'll never get it right", all the while flashing that shitty condescending smile.
These bastards are gonna proceed to run your ass off. "Cayan we hayave extruh napkeeyens?" "More swaite tay plaize" "Do ya'll got hot sauce" "May we hayave more beeyuscuits (or whatever "brayad" you serve)?". And no, this is not spread out over the course of the meal, this is back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as your other tables get more neglected and pissy. And no, you can not ask "Is anything else I can bring?" because they will get offended that you and say you dont want to serve them (Well.....yeah) or more often than not, they have no sense of efficiency themselves so it is beyond their comprehension that others are trying to be efficient for them.
Finally, the end of the meal comes and they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy and "You were the bestest waiter/waitress we have ever had". That right there is ranked number 2 on the Top 10 Tip Killing Comment List for Servers (bested only by "We're good tippers".
Ok, so they have proclaimed you as the greatest thing since sliced bread, they are gonna request your section next time they come in (I can't fucking wait), they exchange pleasantries with you as they leave.
Now here is the advanced algebra/geometry question of the day.....................
If there were 4 southerners at the table, they loved you, and their bill was $60.00, how many value meals at McDonalds will the tip on this table be able to buy after your shift?
Answer coming tommorrow.......feel free to post your guesses in the comment section..........
4 comments:
One, if you're damn lucky. You're luckier still if it's an actual dollar bill and not change, pocket fuzz, and chewed gum.
Having been in the South and eaten at Southern restaurants, I am no longer surprised with how weird Southerners are when they visit Yankee establishments.
At a BBQ place in Memphis: I cringed and tried to flee as I saw roaches marching around the restaurant and up the walls. The waiter saw me lose whatever melanin my skin has and laughed, "Don't y'all hurt our pets now, y'hear!"
the answer is none. value meals run from 5-7 bucks, and there's no way you're getting that much.
trouble, that's disgusting, but it really explains a lot. it does boost someone up the snob ladder a few steps to eat in a fancy restaraunt. of course, "fancy" to the south, means any place without paper on the tables and bugs on the walls, and the waitress doesn't spit at some point during the meal.
kmoney, why haven't you done my idle idol test yet? are you researching it? you'd better not be, that's cheating! hope to see you guys tonight. muah.
by the way, and i've probably messed this up a bit, but a great man once said, "people in the north are no less hospitable than those in the south, but those in the south will be quicker to tell you they're being hospitable."
I disagree, K-money: getting donkeypunched is probably worse. Or the Dirty Sanchez. Or some other disgusting sexual prank frat boys come up with.
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