The Horrors of Heinz

Let's get right the point shall we? I fucking hate ketchup!!! Look, we are all adults here and ketchup is just one of those rights of passage that you are supposed to give up as you grow older (in turn your palate becomes more sophisticated and therefore craves more complex flavor from your condiments, among other things).

I suppose I may be a tad more jaded than the rest of you on ketchup because I was in the restaurant industry for quite some time. I have seen many stomach churning things involving ketchup (and the containers that hold it) at restaurants very similar to the ones you frequent. I will share these with the class...........now.

I am sure that you have at some point seen a waiter (or waitress) "marrying" half full ketchup bottles during their down time or at the end of their shift. Okay, now have you ever seen them combining ketchup bottles that are made glass? Guess what happens to the mouths of said bottles when they get clanged together to marry that last little bit of ketchup (and they will get clanged together). Thats right, little shards of glass will (un)knowingly chip off and end up in your newly full bottle. Ever piss out little shards off undigested glass? Luckily I haven't, but it does happen, and boy what a treat that must be!!

"But my favorite restaurant uses plastic bottles". Oh, you don't say!! Sorry, you still have ketchup problems to worry about. Ever notice how the places that use plastic ketchup bottles always "look" full but don't always feel full? This is because Heinz created the handy-dandy bottles with the opaque red interior. This lovely little invention is made from a thin plastic film located inside the bottle itself and yes, can and will flake off into your ketchup. Luckily this film has not yet been deemed carcinogenic by the American Cancer Society.........yet. However ingesting the film itself is not what should worry you.

Proper storage of an open ketchup bottle is obviously in the refrigerator. That's where you put your open ketchup bottles at home right? Right???? I would say a conservative estimate of the number of restaurants that do not refrigerate their ketchup (ever, not even when they close for the night) is at least 80%. Do you know what happens when ketchup is not properly refrigerated? That's right... our little friend called botulism comes to visit. Ketchup, astonishingly enough breaks down and becomes spoiled a lot quicker than you may realize, when not stored properly. "Oh but a restaurant goes through ketchup quickly" well this thought is somewhat accurate. Restaurants do indeed go through a lot of ketchup and other condiments, but remember the waitress who was marrying the glass ketchup bottles? Yeah, they marry the plastic ones too. Yes those same plastic bottles that you cant see inside. Pouring ketchup over (in some cases) older and older unrefrigerated, opened, ketchup. As an aside I have yet to work in or see a restaurant that puts dates on opened ketchup bottles.

As ketchup ages and becomes more and more infected with bacteria, it turned darker shades of red to maroon, to brown, and eventually black (I've seen black ketchup before, not a pretty sight...actually just looking at it makes you gag). Unfortunately ketchup does not need to get to such a sorry appearance for botulism to infest it. Of course how will you see it with an opaque bottle? For review, botulism is what makes Botox work, because botulism paralyzes muscles (which is why people who have had Botox injections cant blink, wink, or frown). Muscle paralysis is an extreme condition but one that is not, is just plain being sick. Shitting and puking, puking and shitting, or better yet because your bowels are a muscle they can become paralyzed, but you still have the runs. At least with just diarrhea you only need to worry about not farting, sneezing, laughing, coughing, or making sudden movements. But if your bowel muscles are paralyzed, good luck with say, "holding it in"...........

I guess if you need to lose 10 pounds so you can squeeze your fat ass into that bridemaids dress next weekend, then by all means botulism may be for you. However see a doctor because if left untreated, botulism will paralyze not only muscles, but major organs, especially your lungs.

On a less life threatening note, you wouldn't believe how many times I have seen grown adults (let alone some dirty child) use their filthy little finger to wipe the excess ketchup off the mouth or spout of a ketchup bottle before replacing the lid, and proceed to lick their nasty little digit. Now I ask you, where the FUCK has that finger been recently??!!

Health reasons aside here is what truly turned me off to Heinz, Hunts, and the like. In a restaurant I worked at, I watched in amazement and horror as a waitress proceeded to marry ketchup bottles, and as some excess ketchup spilled over the sides of the bottle (and onto a counter-top sloppily "cleaned" with an overused rag) she happily scooped the excess ketchup off the counter, back up the sides of the ketchup bottle and back into the mouth of the bottle with her bare fucking hands!!! And if that wasn't enough I watched her lick parts of her fingers and hands to help clean them off prior to moving on to the next bottle. She proceeded to do this several times. Now as you sit in you chair quickly rocking back and forth with your hands clutched to your chest like an insane person would that has to listen to too many voices in their heads, you may be asking "Why didn't I stop her?" Quite simply, I was frozen and aghast that someone could do something so nasty, so unfathomably disgusting, and yet not realize they were doing something wrong. That right there was the sickest thing about this. She wasn't doing this to be malicious or lazy, she acted as though this were an every day thing. Shudder......

I thought I would close with a list of things I have seen people put ketchup on that seems out of the ordinary. In no particular order......

1 - scrambled eggs
2 - "dippy" eggs
3 - Corned beef hash
4 - A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich - sorry but these four just scream out WHITE TRASH TO ME (sorry Bob)
5 - Fried fish and shrimp
6 - Not just steak, but Filet Mingon!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fucking waste!
7 - Macaroni and cheese - to me this scream YOHNIE!! if you live in Lancaster, you know what I mean
8 - A cold turkey and cheese sandwich
9 - Potato chips AND Cheetos
10 - And this is probably the foulest thing I have ever seen.... I used to have a roommate (female no less) that would make Ramen noodles, dump out the water, not add the flavoring but mix the limp noodles with lots of ketchup. On multiple occasions.


So the next time you ask your waitress for some ketchup for your eggs or hamburger just remember what I have told you........your palate (not to mention your bowels) will thank you.