Designer Imposters

If you like Open Grave, you'll kill to get......

CADAVER!

Available at CVS, Phar-Mor, or your local convenience store...

I had a very appropriate picture, but blogger is being a pain in the ass and wont let me upload - bastards!


Oh yeah, speaking of cadavers....I guess up and coming fashion model Heather Bratton was killed in a fiery car crash last week. Fashion industry gurus were hailing Bratton as the new Kate Moss, with their many similarities.

And for the "Insensitive yet Hilarious Comment of the Day".....


Several helpless bystanders witnessed Bratton being burned alive as she was trapped in the Crown Victoria she was riding in. One person quipped "Wow, I bet thats the most emotion she has shown in 19 years"

Parfum de Cours

The following is a morbidly amusing new cologne/perfume commercial conjured up by three beer-buzzed people who clamor to the pinnalce of inappropriateness. Anyway it goes a little something like this....

When you need a scent so powerful, Open Graaaave (loudly whispered).

When you absolutely must be noticed, Open Graaaave (loudly whispered)

When you want people to look, but not touch, you can always turn to, Open Graaaaaaaaave (loudly whispered)

Open Grave, the new scent from Calvin Klein is available only for a limited time at fine stores near you.

Open Graaaaaaaaaaaaave (loudly whispered)

(Enter beautiful model with thick Russian accent) "Are you in? Or are you out?"

Open Graaave


**Credit to Bob and Trouble for assisting in the genesis of this exquisitely morbid idea.

Solutions

1 - Welcome to the Jungle - Guns N Roses
2 - Running With The Devil - Van Halen
3 - Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers (in hindsight, I realize this was a pretty mediocre clue on my part)
4 - Gods of War - Def Leppard
5 - Sweet Child O Mine - Guns N Roses
6 - I Still Havent Found What Im Looking For - U2
7 - Heart Shaped Box - Nirvana
8 - Ice, Ice, Baby - Vanilla Ice
9 - Shattered Dreams - Johnny Hates Jazz
10 - If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher
11 - Sex Type Thing - Stone Temple Pilots
12 - I Touch Myself - The Divinyls
13 - Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
14 - Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
15 - The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
16 - Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
17 - What's My Name - Snoop Dogg (I realized this could apply to several song titles)
18 - You Gotta Fight (For Your Right to Party) - Beastie Boys
19 - Bulls On Parade - Rage Against the Machine
20 - Dont Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty

14 -

My music trivia - Enjoy

1 - Thank you for joining us in the rainforest
2 - Excessively snotty nose joins Satan
3 - Released higher part of a song
4 - Thor, Buddha, Apollo, Zeus, and Allah of declared conflict
5 - Sugary son or daughter that I possess
6 - I continuously am unable to dicover that which I seek
7 - Blood pumping organ shaped cube
8 - Slang term for methamphetamines repeated newborn child
9 - smashed into a thousand pieces sleeping visions that you sometimes remember and usually wish could come true
10 - If only when I spin the clock counter-clockwise something would happen
11 - Carnal knowledge sort of indeterminable entity
12 - I put my finger on my nose. Now I put my finger on my shoulder. Now I put my finger on my knee. Now I put my finger on my chin.
13 - Once again someone chews on the formerly airborn dirt that has now settled on everything
14 - 100% off sale of aves (but you only get 1)
15 - The very attractive group of homo sapiens
16 - Not winning personally possessed Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, or Hinduism
17 - Am I Ted or Martha, or Andrew, or Katie, or John? Please tell me...
18 - Sometimes you have to come to blows to protect your freedom to have a great time with others
19 - Male cows lined up and then proceeding down Main St, then left on Elm, right on 3rd and so on while everyone watches.
20 - You better not come traveling to where I am ever again


Good Luck!!!!

Great Fucking Sammich...

Every once in awhile I get a wild hair across my ass and decide too cook. Yesterday I received a request to make my delectible Baja Chipotle Chicken Sandwich. For those who havent had it, NO I'm going to come cook for you!! Instead I will share my recipe with you so you may enjoy it on your own....

Ingredients
Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
Lawry's Baja Chipotle Marinade(find this near the BBQ sauce at you local grocer) (this is a sauce similar to BBQ in texture and color, but infused with roasted chipotle jalapeno and lime juice)
Pepperjack Cheese
Leaf lettuce (not Iceberg lettuce, use Leaf Lettuce, Iceberg is shit)
Dill Pickle slices
Bacon cooked (or not if bacon is not in your diet)
Ranch dressing (or mayo for those that can choke it down)
Tomato if you like tomato, but it is unnecessary and will make your sammich too tall to eat
Kaiser Rolls (not some shitty $1 bag of generic hamburger buns, shell out the extra 2 dollars and get some good kaiser rolls ya cheap bastard)

Steps
Pretty basic, marinate the chicken in 1 cup or so of the Baja Chipotle marinade. For an added kick, mix some cayenne pepper and about 2 teaspoons of hot wing sauce to the marinade. Marinade for rougly 45 minutes to an hour. (to really get the flavor in the chicken, use a toothpick and poke about 8 holes in each breast before adding the marinade sauce)

After marinating the chicken, fire up your BBQ grill and cook the chicken. Baste the chicken while it is grilling a couple times (use what is in the bottle to baste, DO NOT USE LEFTOVER SAUCE THE RAW CHICKEN WAS SITTING IN) Add a couple slices of the pepperjack cheese to the chicken right before its done. Butter and grill the kaiser rolls.

Stack grilled chicken and cheese, bacon, lettuce, pickle slices, and a little ranch dressing on the lightly grilled kaiser rolls.

The combination of textures, spice heat from the sauce and the cheese, and cooling effect of the lettuce/pickles/ranch (mayo) give off an explosion of taste sensations in your mouth. Now you are ready..... As Akinyele would sing...."Just put it in your mouth"....

Enjoy

2008?????????

Okay so I found something else amusing. Look bitch, you are a senator... buy some fucking clothes. Of course this outfit is playfully known as "Ol' Crusty"

Eminaint

I was having sort of a shitty day until low and behold I saw a couple of white douchebags very similar to these pussies over there on the left. A good hearty laugh was had by me. Then I wondered "Where the hell do loser bastards like these come from?" After a bit of research, I have the answer. Clearly Exibit B on the right is the inspiration for the assholes over in Exibit A.


Conclusion: Sometimes society is better off when parents eat their young.

Oooooooooon State Street

Well the "Where Lisa?" section never really got off the ground since she surprised us all with an all too brief, but fun nonetheless visit. I actually had some amusing ideas for the Where's Lisa Watch, oh well. We have pushed her back into the blogger world http://www.simplisticallycomplicated.blogspot.com check it out....

The picture shows the city where our beloved Lisa resides - for the geographically challanged, this is Chicago (pronounced shi - CAW - go) (pronounced locally shi - KAE - gow) There is a noticable difference in the correct pronunciation and the local pronunciation of Chicago. The further north in Chicago you go, the more pronounced the Wiscansinite accent bleeds into what should otherwise be clean, accent-free, Mid-Western speech.

STOP IT!!

Sing it with me.... "If you see a little sign on the side of the road that says sixteen miles to the LOOOOOOOOOOOVE SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clearly this outs me as to being at karaoke last night, which of course meant I got to hear yet another quartet of college girls sing this karaoke cliche/abomination of a song. Every fucking time I go to karaoke, without fail, I will be tortured by some group of stupid bitches that feel they must be cutting edge and proceed to massacre this song.

There in lies the problem, the hundred or so times I have heard Love Shack "performed" it ends up absolutely brutal. It's not that goddamned difficult.

Well the little secret of my loathing for this song was discovered last night so hooray not only was it "sang" it was dedicated to me.

This song and me is like Simpson's character Sideshow Bob and garden rakes. All I can say is Yeeeeerrrrggghhh.

Swaite Taye

From a previous post you can surmise that I am former (thank god for that) waiter. With that it mind, you will see me venting about the frustrations that went along with the profession. Today's topic is one most current and former servers can empathize with and agree upon....

Nothing, and I mean nothing will make a server shudder more than when they walk up to a newly seated table, and the first thing they hear is "Do ya'll got swaite taye?". Admit it, the first two words that popped in to your head was "Awe" and "Fuck". This consternation from the server's mind is especially pronounced if they are working at a restaurant north of the Mason-Dixon Line. When you hear this, it means you are waiting on conservative, bible-thumping, closed-minded, demanding, (and most importantly to a server's pocket....cheat, tourist assholes from the south.

Dont get me wrong, they are generally polite, but that's what will piss you off the most. They unknowingly talk down to you as if this were 1820 and you are their slave. Every little special request is repeated at least twice and opened with "Now make sure..." and closed with "Because ya'll never get it right", all the while flashing that shitty condescending smile.

These bastards are gonna proceed to run your ass off. "Cayan we hayave extruh napkeeyens?" "More swaite tay plaize" "Do ya'll got hot sauce" "May we hayave more beeyuscuits (or whatever "brayad" you serve)?". And no, this is not spread out over the course of the meal, this is back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as your other tables get more neglected and pissy. And no, you can not ask "Is anything else I can bring?" because they will get offended that you and say you dont want to serve them (Well.....yeah) or more often than not, they have no sense of efficiency themselves so it is beyond their comprehension that others are trying to be efficient for them.

Finally, the end of the meal comes and they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy and "You were the bestest waiter/waitress we have ever had". That right there is ranked number 2 on the Top 10 Tip Killing Comment List for Servers (bested only by "We're good tippers".

Ok, so they have proclaimed you as the greatest thing since sliced bread, they are gonna request your section next time they come in (I can't fucking wait), they exchange pleasantries with you as they leave.

Now here is the advanced algebra/geometry question of the day.....................

If there were 4 southerners at the table, they loved you, and their bill was $60.00, how many value meals at McDonalds will the tip on this table be able to buy after your shift?

Answer coming tommorrow.......feel free to post your guesses in the comment section..........

Ebola S'il Vous Plait

I am still pretty exhausted after my ketchup rant from yesterday so I'll attempt to keep this "K-Money brief". I will let you in on a little secret of mine. I really do read books...I know, I know - fucking shocking. In fact I finally finished a book I bought roughly 8 years ago. Look, I have a very limited array of subject matter that can hold my interest for 200-300 pages. The main one being books dealing with Viral Hemmhoragic Fevers, specifically you may know them as Lassa, Marburg, and Ebola. Say it with me, Lassa and Marburg and Ebola OH MY!!

I am genuinely fascinated by diseases with a mortality rate of 90% (not exclusively for this reason but it piques my curiosity nonetheless). I can be a cruel, heartless bastard at times so that is why when you hear about some Ebola outbreak over in Bongo Dongo, Africa I stand at attention craving the latest updates of the "horror". I am all about the depopulation of this crowded planet and few things are as efficient at this goal than Ebola. Plus you gotta love a disease that is so lethal, so virulent, so quick, and so very untreatable.

Of course the gory symptoms of Ebola take the cake. Imagine, if you will, severe dehydration, delirium, sunken eyeballs, vomiting blood over and over, and when the end comes bleeding out of every orifice including your eyes, ears, nose, and asshole (thus the hemmhoragic part of the virus). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not too keen on having this destructive little virus anywhere near my friends, family, or myself, but do you really believe Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama are really necessary anymore? The fewer red states the better. Or better yet, maybe just isolating Ebola to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.

Just a thought.

The Horrors of Heinz

Let's get right the point shall we? I fucking hate ketchup!!! Look, we are all adults here and ketchup is just one of those rights of passage that you are supposed to give up as you grow older (in turn your palate becomes more sophisticated and therefore craves more complex flavor from your condiments, among other things).

I suppose I may be a tad more jaded than the rest of you on ketchup because I was in the restaurant industry for quite some time. I have seen many stomach churning things involving ketchup (and the containers that hold it) at restaurants very similar to the ones you frequent. I will share these with the class...........now.

I am sure that you have at some point seen a waiter (or waitress) "marrying" half full ketchup bottles during their down time or at the end of their shift. Okay, now have you ever seen them combining ketchup bottles that are made glass? Guess what happens to the mouths of said bottles when they get clanged together to marry that last little bit of ketchup (and they will get clanged together). Thats right, little shards of glass will (un)knowingly chip off and end up in your newly full bottle. Ever piss out little shards off undigested glass? Luckily I haven't, but it does happen, and boy what a treat that must be!!

"But my favorite restaurant uses plastic bottles". Oh, you don't say!! Sorry, you still have ketchup problems to worry about. Ever notice how the places that use plastic ketchup bottles always "look" full but don't always feel full? This is because Heinz created the handy-dandy bottles with the opaque red interior. This lovely little invention is made from a thin plastic film located inside the bottle itself and yes, can and will flake off into your ketchup. Luckily this film has not yet been deemed carcinogenic by the American Cancer Society.........yet. However ingesting the film itself is not what should worry you.

Proper storage of an open ketchup bottle is obviously in the refrigerator. That's where you put your open ketchup bottles at home right? Right???? I would say a conservative estimate of the number of restaurants that do not refrigerate their ketchup (ever, not even when they close for the night) is at least 80%. Do you know what happens when ketchup is not properly refrigerated? That's right... our little friend called botulism comes to visit. Ketchup, astonishingly enough breaks down and becomes spoiled a lot quicker than you may realize, when not stored properly. "Oh but a restaurant goes through ketchup quickly" well this thought is somewhat accurate. Restaurants do indeed go through a lot of ketchup and other condiments, but remember the waitress who was marrying the glass ketchup bottles? Yeah, they marry the plastic ones too. Yes those same plastic bottles that you cant see inside. Pouring ketchup over (in some cases) older and older unrefrigerated, opened, ketchup. As an aside I have yet to work in or see a restaurant that puts dates on opened ketchup bottles.

As ketchup ages and becomes more and more infected with bacteria, it turned darker shades of red to maroon, to brown, and eventually black (I've seen black ketchup before, not a pretty sight...actually just looking at it makes you gag). Unfortunately ketchup does not need to get to such a sorry appearance for botulism to infest it. Of course how will you see it with an opaque bottle? For review, botulism is what makes Botox work, because botulism paralyzes muscles (which is why people who have had Botox injections cant blink, wink, or frown). Muscle paralysis is an extreme condition but one that is not, is just plain being sick. Shitting and puking, puking and shitting, or better yet because your bowels are a muscle they can become paralyzed, but you still have the runs. At least with just diarrhea you only need to worry about not farting, sneezing, laughing, coughing, or making sudden movements. But if your bowel muscles are paralyzed, good luck with say, "holding it in"...........

I guess if you need to lose 10 pounds so you can squeeze your fat ass into that bridemaids dress next weekend, then by all means botulism may be for you. However see a doctor because if left untreated, botulism will paralyze not only muscles, but major organs, especially your lungs.

On a less life threatening note, you wouldn't believe how many times I have seen grown adults (let alone some dirty child) use their filthy little finger to wipe the excess ketchup off the mouth or spout of a ketchup bottle before replacing the lid, and proceed to lick their nasty little digit. Now I ask you, where the FUCK has that finger been recently??!!

Health reasons aside here is what truly turned me off to Heinz, Hunts, and the like. In a restaurant I worked at, I watched in amazement and horror as a waitress proceeded to marry ketchup bottles, and as some excess ketchup spilled over the sides of the bottle (and onto a counter-top sloppily "cleaned" with an overused rag) she happily scooped the excess ketchup off the counter, back up the sides of the ketchup bottle and back into the mouth of the bottle with her bare fucking hands!!! And if that wasn't enough I watched her lick parts of her fingers and hands to help clean them off prior to moving on to the next bottle. She proceeded to do this several times. Now as you sit in you chair quickly rocking back and forth with your hands clutched to your chest like an insane person would that has to listen to too many voices in their heads, you may be asking "Why didn't I stop her?" Quite simply, I was frozen and aghast that someone could do something so nasty, so unfathomably disgusting, and yet not realize they were doing something wrong. That right there was the sickest thing about this. She wasn't doing this to be malicious or lazy, she acted as though this were an every day thing. Shudder......

I thought I would close with a list of things I have seen people put ketchup on that seems out of the ordinary. In no particular order......

1 - scrambled eggs
2 - "dippy" eggs
3 - Corned beef hash
4 - A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich - sorry but these four just scream out WHITE TRASH TO ME (sorry Bob)
5 - Fried fish and shrimp
6 - Not just steak, but Filet Mingon!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fucking waste!
7 - Macaroni and cheese - to me this scream YOHNIE!! if you live in Lancaster, you know what I mean
8 - A cold turkey and cheese sandwich
9 - Potato chips AND Cheetos
10 - And this is probably the foulest thing I have ever seen.... I used to have a roommate (female no less) that would make Ramen noodles, dump out the water, not add the flavoring but mix the limp noodles with lots of ketchup. On multiple occasions.


So the next time you ask your waitress for some ketchup for your eggs or hamburger just remember what I have told you........your palate (not to mention your bowels) will thank you.

Wilkommen

Ok so after much goading (cough Trouble and Bobulah cough) I have finally broken down and started a blog. For those of you who don't know, I am the great and magnificent Kmoney.

Blog Syllabus

In this blog we will cover the following

1 - Why Kmoney - Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How
2 - Karaoke addiction in modern society - Including periodic updates of the best and worst to be seen/heard.
3 - The Lisa Watch - This will be kind of like a Where's Waldo? but insert Lisa's name here.
4 - Pop Culture - because I strive to be cliche
5 - Anything else I deem necessary


**WARNING**
I will occassionally come off as boring - but there are times, and moods, where I will cross lines, offend, and intentionally be ig'nint. I will grow on you like a malignant tumor, when that happens you will learn that I am the new heroin - you just wont be able to get enough. You've been warned.


Kmoney has started a blog..........God help us all